Sunday, June 18, 2006


Japan vs. Croatia

The game has only just begun and already David Pleat (possibly the only person on the planet more inept than Lawro) has given us "Nothing wrong with that challenge by Prso" just as the slow-mo action reply shows Prso's knee going into the poor Japanese midfielder's ribs. Are you actually watching the game, Pleaty?

Friday, June 16, 2006


More Football

OK, Holland vs. Ivory Coast with Clive Tyldesley and Gareth Southgate. If it's half as good as the Argentina game was supposedly, we're in for a treat.

The game has not long started and we've had "Lovely cross from Van Persie with his wrong foot."....10 seconds later...."Van Persie is a genuinely two-footed player." Way to contradict youself Clive. Is there a word for when someone does that? Surely this commentating lark can't be that difficult? I imagine Clive is be the sort of person the police love. If he's ever arrested you can bet he would be talking himself into a corner before the cuffs were even on.


The Big-Hitters

Sorry, missed most of this game. Commentry was from Big Mick McCarthy (can't mistake his Yorkshire-Irish accent) and someone else (Motson?). Was just in time for the post-match round-up where Ian Wright helpfully informed the viewers in pigeon-English that "Argentina wer playin' possession football where dey wer tryin' to keep the ball." Really, Ian? Are you going for Southgate's Master-Logician title?

Thursday, June 15, 2006


It's Showtime

Game on. England vs. Trinidad and Tobago. Okay, so it's ITV and there's no Lawro but let's see how commentators Gareth Southgate and Clive Tyldesley do in the hot seat.

Only a few minutes gone and already Clive is mumbling something about someone being a "Jack of all trades and master of most", referring to Carragher I think. Obviously Clive is too polite to use the proper cliche. Speaking of cliches, there was also some nonsense before the game from Rio 'Ladies Love' Ferdinand. Something about teams on paper don't win games. "I know it's a cliche", Rio adds, "but it's true." Yes Rio, we believe you.

A gem from Southgate: "The goal is coming, it's just a question of if we run out of time." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Gareth Southgate, master-logician.

That's it, game over. A couple of bits of gibberish there, perhaps more but due to other commitments I unfortunately missed some of the game. If you spotted any gems, please post. Without a doubt this was much better than the Beeb's coverage - they seem to employ human gibberish generators for fun. Anyway, until next time.....

Wednesday, June 14, 2006


In The Beginning...

Inspired by Mark Lawenson's insipid commentating displays, culminating in his berating of Croatian player Kovac for feigning an injury in their clash with Brazil. 10 minutes later Kovac was substituted due to this injury. I have created this blog to keep track of Lawro and his fellow team of buffoons in the World Cup commentating arena, bringing you as many of their pearls of nonsense as I can. Let me know what you think. To be fair, there are a few decent commentators out there but they are few and far between. The Beeb are the main perpetrators in the crime of ruining the beautiful game by taking the diamond that it is and adding back the rough edges. Is this where my TV license money goes? Their recruitment checklist must consist of about 3 questions:

1) Have you played football in the past?
2) Do you have a basic command of English?
3) Are you annoying?

Maybe I can get a job there. I mean, come on - Ian Wright anyone? Great player but he's no elocutionist.

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